Boston Dust Mites

Impatient Sox Fans Storm Fenway

2011-11-29T09:18:00.000-08:00

Boston Dust Mites (BDM) is following a breaking news story (based on completely unreliable sources) that angry Red Sox fans are about to storm the barricades of Fenway Park. Apparently, inaction on a range of critical team decisions (not the least of which is the 60-day nationwide manager search) is infuriating followers of the Carmine Hose. Led by irate season-ticket holders (about to be dunned for their 2012 payments just before Christmas), the mob was moving down Commonwealth Avenue, through Kenmore Square and onto Yawkey Way. Mayor Menino, reached for comment about the protest, said the city respects all forms of expression and that he was looking forward to the "transmission" from an angry mob to a more "octopy"-like encampment.

Cub Fans Have Second Thoughts

2011-10-26T07:34:00.000-07:00

Once the euphoria died down, and the Chicago media got off their knees, Cubs fans began to have some second thoughts about Theo Epstein. Our Boston Dust Mites Roving Reporter, Biff Chad, was in the Windy City for 'Man on the W. Addison Street' interviews.

Biff filled people in on Theo's role in the acquisitions of John Lackey, Matt Clement, Carl Crawford, Bobby Jenks, J.D. Drew, Edgar Renteria, Eric Gagne and Julio Lugo. Panic began to set in as several fans began a spontaneous "Occupy Wrigley" tent city—complete with whiny, spoiled activists from Northwestern and the University of Chicago.

BDM will keep our fans here in Boston posted on developments. In the interim, if anyone would like to contribute to Biff's Bail Fund, please contact First Third Bank, Waveland Branch.

New Ft. Myers Stadium Plans Scrapped?

2011-10-24T11:21:00.000-07:00

According to completely unreliable sources, the Red Sox have scrapped elaborate plans to add lucrative advertising features to the new JetBlue Park in Fort Myers—set to open this coming Spring. The team had all but inked a deal with an un-named brewery to affix huge, 40ft. beer mugs on each of the new light standards at the park (see artist's rendering above).

Reportedly, the life-like mugs would have been dubbed "Light" Beers (get it?), but the beer-swilling 2011 Red Sox have put the kibosh on the ambitious plans. Forbes List Billionaire (FLB) John Henry is said to be furious that the deal fell through, and has requested air time on several radio stations in Florida to vent his anger.

Wally Drinking On Field?

2011-10-20T06:25:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought the Red Sox Winter Of Discontent could not get any worse, completely unreliable sources tell Boston Dust Mites that Wally The Green Monster was spotted drinking a Midori cocktail on the field at City Of Palms last Spring.

An unattributed photo of the large, green mascot was delivered to the Dust Mites offices (see picture) which seems to show Wally in an unstable condition with a cocktail of the famous green liqueur in hand. After a thorough investigation, BDM determined that the cocktail in question is a 'Midori Lucky Charm' (2 ounces Midori, 1 ounce Skyy vodka , Orange juice. Mix the Midori and vodka and pour into an ice-filled glass. Top with orange juice.).

Wally could not be reached for comment. Oh, the humanity! (or whatever life form a mascot is).

New Film Venture For NOG?

2011-10-11T06:54:00.000-07:00

Our completely unreliable source on Yawkey Way indicates that the NOG—always on the lookout for another non-baseball venture—is thinking about entering the movie business.

The first blockbuster epic will be a disaster film about the upcoming 2012 Red Sox season. Tentatively titled "2012—Dropkick This", the movie will star Wally The Green Monster as himself and Brad Pitt as John Henry.

There will reportedly be cameo appearances by injured players from the Liverpool soccer team and whoever it is that drives for the Roush Fenway NASCAR Racing Team.

Sox May Launch New Mascot

2011-10-05T11:27:00.000-07:00

In the wake of BrewGate, Boston Dust Mites has learned (from our usual completely unreliable sources) that the Red Sox may introduce a new mascot for the 2012 season. Since most of the starting pitching staff is likely to return, the NOG thought it might be fun to get the fans involved in the clubhouse antics by introducing "Hoppy" the Beer Mug (seen in photo).

Hoppy would travel around Fenway Park offering fans "sips" from his mug for every strikeout recorded by a starting Boston pitcher. Between the fifth and sixth innings, Hoppy and Wally would reenact a 'field sobriety test' on the infield—with Wally dressed as a Massachusetts State Trooper.

A completely un-checked source at Yawkey Way stated, "Well, we figure since we can't release or trade the entire pitching staff, why not make it a fun thing for the fans?"

NOG To Fire Carmine

2011-09-29T08:27:00.000-07:00

While rumors have been swirling about the possible firings of Theo Epstein or Terry Francona, unreliable sources have told Boston Dust Mites that the Carmine computer program is about to be axed by the New Ownership Group (NOG). Forbes List Billionaire (FLB) John Henry is said to have briefly diverted his attention from the latest Liverpool soccer match long enough to give the termination order on the software that recommended the free agent signings of John Lackey and Carl Crawford.

Boston Dust Mites has so far been unable to track down Carmine for a comment. However, a spokesman for the program passed along this comment from the heavily criticized digital advisor, "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true." Boston Dust Mites is looking into the significance of this and will report back any new findings.

Carl(ton) The Doormat

2011-08-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

A completely unconfirmed report (A Boston Dust Mites specialty) indicates that the Red Sox are preparing to ship under-performing left fielder Carl Crawford to his hometown Houston Astros in an August waiver wire deal.

Crawford, signed to a seven-year, $142 million contract is owed almost twice as much over that span as the entire 2011 Astros team ($ 76,969,000 payroll ). Therein lies the conundrum. The Red Sox have reportedly agreed to eat $76,000,000 of the deal, leaving Houston on the hook for only $969,000. Boston also agreed to acquire the Astros mascot, Junction Jack (pictured here with Crawford), who is the third highest salaried employee in the Astros organization. The Red Sox will re-tool the mascot as Wally's jaundiced younger brother, Willy.

McCourt Offers New Fenway To NOG

2011-04-21T12:16:00.000-07:00

In a stunning and totally unconfirmed development, the Frank McCourt divorce mess may result in a New Fenway Park for Red Sox fans. McCourt, who may still own some of his South Boston waterfront property (Editor's Note: Boston Dust Mites is reporting this contrary to all available evidence—hey, it's what we do), is rumored to be offering the NOG (who beat him out in the Bud Selig-rigged ownership selection) both the land and a New Fenway Park on the site.

The above photo shows what the new waterfront park will look like—tentatively called, "Take This, You Witch Ballpark On the Waterfront". Boston Dust Mites has learned that the plan may be an elaborate way to deny his former spouse any further claim on Mr. McCourt's assets.

As usual, this report is based on totally unreliable sources (if any).

Dotel Petitions MLB For New Nickname

2010-12-22T11:15:00.000-08:00

Free-agent relief pitcher Octavio Dotel has formally asked Major League Baseball for a new nickname in the wake of actions taken in Washington, D.C. today.

President Obama signed into law the repeal of the controversial "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy regarding gay and lesbian members of the U.S. Military. Since the inception of the policy in the Clinton Administration, Dotel had been routinely called, "Octavio 'Don't Ask' Dotel" by such luminaries as ESPN's Chris Berman.

The MLB Office Of Humorous Monikers (OHM) is taking Dotel's request under advisement and may issue a new nickname as early as the start of Spring Training. Dotel has been pursued by a number of teams this Winter—including the Diamondbacks, Blue Jays, Orioles, Twins, Pirates and Yankees. His agent fears that the lack of a catchy nickname might reduce his client's value in the free-agent marketplace.

WikiLeaks: Henry Thinks Yanks Have Bomb

2010-11-29T08:54:00.000-08:00

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Completely unreliable sources were used in this report]

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has reportedly unearthed a secret memo from the bowels of Yawkey Way that indicates Red Sox principal owner John Henry believes the New York Yankees possess a nuclear weapon.

"If they think anyone believes their YES money is for peaceful purposes only, they're crazy", the soccer and race car czar is quoted in a coded cable sent from Liverpool, England. He went on, "Obviously, they want to nuke [emphasis added] the rest of the American League by continuing to overpay for mediocre talent like Cliff Lee."

It's unclear whether Henry was using the term as a metaphor or if he really believes the sons of George Steinbrenner have a first-strike thermonuclear capability aimed at strategic targets in New England. In any event, there are likely to be red faces at the Winter Meetings next Monday after these disclosures.

Dice-K May Routinely Hurl Commemoratives

2010-07-20T05:53:00.000-07:00

After witnessing his stellar 6 2/3 inning performance in Oakland last night, sources tell Boston Dust Mites that the Red Sox are considering making Dice-K hurl commemorative baseballs into the upper reaches of Fenway before every start—as he did on Sunday.

This gesture is seen as an olive branch to Matsuzaka after the contentious battles over warm-up and training regimens for the Japanese star. Sources say that the long tosses of "600th Sellout" balls into the EMC and State Street Pavilion levels on Sunday may have been the missing link in unlocking the right-hander's effectiveness.

Contingencies have already been made to reserve private jets to wing Dice-K back to Fenway for the activity if the Red Sox are in the midst of a road trip.

The source went on, "Luckily, the timing just happened to work out great this time, since the ceremony was on the final day of the home stand and he was pitching the next game on the road. It could get dicey in the future—oh, honest, I didn't mean that pun."

Max Bialystock To Handle Sox Playoff Shares

2010-07-07T07:36:00.000-07:00

As an ever-growing number of players pile onto the injury-riddled Red Sox roster, the New Ownership Group has identified a potential problem down the road.

If the Red Sox somehow do make the post-season, the number of playoff shares could exceed the pool of available funds—not unlike the federal deficit (sorry for the obvious political reference).

In a pro-active move, Sox owner John Henry has announced the hiring of Max Bialystock to handle the distribution of possible playoff shares. Bialystock is highly-experienced at leveraging limited resources among multiple investors, and should bring a sense of calm to the issue. His associate, Leo Bloom, will also be hired by the Red Sox.

Sox May Place Entire Roster On DL

2010-06-26T19:55:00.001-07:00

In an effort to head off a season-long rash of key injuries, the Red Sox brain trust is considering taking a more pro-active approach—disabling the entire roster. Sources have told the Boston Dust Mites that this would avoid the nearly daily embarrassment of new injuries, bungled diagnoses by the team medical staff and the generally bummed out feeling in the clubhouse. After Dustin Pedroia and Clay Buchholz went down in back-to back games in San Francisco, the novel idea came to light.

"It's kind of like that scene in the Three Stooges when they keep shattering the glass door in the boss's office and the glass guy just breaks it himself the fourth time around before the Stooges can break it again", stated GM Theo Epstein. "Mr. Henry is a big fan of The Stooges".

Asked how they Red Sox could possibly continue the season with all 25 men on the DL, Epstein simply stated, "Well, you know, it is a bridge year."

Carbon Dating Coming To Fenway!

2010-05-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

Always looking for new ways to serve their fans (and make even more money) the New Ownership Group has instituted a novel service for those fans still sitting in the 1912-era wooden grandstand seats.

Starting in June, any such fan will be offered a Carbon Dating service, which will provide an exact point in time that the wood in their seat was harvested from a primeval forest. While the service itself is free to season ticket holders, there is a "handling" fee of $700.00 to provide a Certificate of Authenticity (suitable for framing—frame extra).

When asked about the new program, Red Sox CEO Larry Lucchino stated, "Well, you know, we are continually looking for ways to obfuscate the fact that this place is almost 100 years old and about as decrepit as a ballpark can be. We're real good at that, you may have noticed."

If the Carbon Dating Plan is successful, the NOG are thinking about a similar offer for fans sitting in obstructed view seats. These folks will be allowed to purchase a bronze plaque on the specific pole that is ruining their view. The plaque—inscribed with their family name and the Red Sox logo—will cost $1,100.00.

The tentative name for the proposed program is "Where The Hell Is Second Base?" and is targeted for start-up in 2011.

Sox Guarantee: "We Won't Lose Today!"

2010-04-13T05:46:00.000-07:00

In a bold and unprecedented move, team captain Jason Varitek spoke for the entire slumping Red Sox team by pledging they will not lose today, Tuesday, April 13, 2010. The back-up catcher stated emphatically, "This is an ironclad, dead-lock certainty. I stake my reputation on it".

Surprised beat reporters scurried to their laptops to report the news, in the wake of the team's 5-2 loss at the Twin's Home Opener at new Target Field.

One intrepid scribe, after perusing the schedule, noticed that the Red Sox were off on Tuesday, and pressed Varitek with some withering follow-up questions.

"Jason, does this mean that none of you guys will lose pinochle games in the clubhouse on the off-day, or are you referring to actual MLB contests only?"

"Just MLB games, we will not lose one of those puppies today. Bank it."

"OK, Jason, what about those video games so popular in the clubhouse, you know, like MLB 2010 The Show? Are you guaranteeing none of your teammates will lose those as well?"

"No. Listen to my words. We will not lose an actual baseball game that counts today. Anyway, we don't play MLB 2010 The Show, I don't want to give Mauer another penny."

The Red Sox resume scheduled play on Wednesday afternoon against the Twins.

Cubs Curse Caused Buckner Error

2009-10-19T05:58:00.000-07:00

Our crack investigative team here at Boston Dust Mites has unearthed shocking evidence that the infamous Bill Buckner error in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series was directly linked to his previous association with the even more benigthed Chicago Cubs.

Spectrographic analysis (and a really good magnifying glass we had leftover from third grade) clearly shows that Buckner was wearing a Cubs insignia "batting glove" on his right hand seconds after the horrific miscue.

So, it had nothing to do with Babe Ruth, the Curly Haired Boyfriend, No No Nanette, Bob Stanley, Rich Gedman....none of it!

Just a smelly old goat from Chicago. That's a relief!

Boston Paper Closes?

2009-04-14T13:38:00.000-07:00

NOG To Offer Personal Obstruction Devices

2009-02-23T13:57:00.000-08:00

BDM has learned that the New Ownership Group (NOG) of the Red Sox is planning to distribute self-contained pole obstructions for any fan who wishes one during the 2009 season. This new policy comes in the wake of many complaints by the few ticket-holders who have a completely unobstructed view of the entire ball-park. Many of these fans report being "cheated" out of the true Fenway Park experience—i.e., obstructed views, narrow cramped seats and lack of simple 21st century amenities like cup-holders.

A completely un-reliable source reported to Boston Dust Mites that the hand-held obstruction devices (dubbed "HOD" by the NOG) are designed to give only the seat-holder the bad view and not infringe on neighboring fans. Sox CEO Larry Lucchino reportedly nixed the idea of charging $7.50 for each HOD noting, "We held the line on ticket prices, we're not going to gouge our fans for the right to have a classic Fenway Park experience."

If the HOD Project goes well, the NOG has plans to offer "seat constrictors" for the few wide seats in the Park as well as Allen wrenches for luxury seat owners to take off their cup-holders to be more in tune with the "average fan" experience.

Monty Gears Up For Possible Sox Return

2009-01-27T05:47:00.000-08:00

As the Red Sox scour the Universe for someone to put on the "tools of ignorance", one former player is chomping at the bit to contribute.

Boston Dust Mites has learned from a highly unreliable source that former Boston back-stop Bob "Crooked Number" Montgomery might be working out at a practice facility in Methuen, Massachusetts with an eye toward possibly returning to The Show.

In an exclusive and completely undocumented interview with Monty, our source claims that the only things blocking his return to the Carmine Hose are: his utter lack of conditioning and the fact that he was a marginal player at the peak of his career. Nevertheless, the Red Sox front office has reportedly sent out "feelers" to the ex-player in case their bid to re-sign Captain Jason Varitek fails. The team has set Saturday, January 31st as a deadline for coming to an agreement with Varitek.

Monty stated, "Hey, I would demand a lot less than the $10-12 million Tek is asking, and I'm a hell of a lot more fun on the road. Just ask Douggy Griffin or Juanny Beniquez." BDM will continue to follow this breaking non-story. Don't forget, as usual, we don't check our sources...and we like it!

Manny Tied To Global Warming

2008-07-16T07:15:00.000-07:00

An exclusive Boston Dust Mite investigation has revealed that Red Sox left-fielder Manny Ramirez may be the principal cause of Global Warming. An undercover Dust Mite team visited Manny's Dominican Estate and found a 743 Megawatt coal-fired facility that is spewing hundreds of thousands of tons of harmful CO2 emissions into the atmosphere—more than the combined pollutants of Chad, Costa Rica and Myanmar.

What makes this revelation more troubling is that the coal plant does not produce any electricity for the energy-starved Dominican economy--in fact it runs without producing anything. Manny insists on this arrangement because he likes "all the cool smoke and stuff", according to an un-named BDM source who works for the $20 million star. While BDM has no definitive proof of this charge (other than hearsay), we, of course, have decided to go with the story. Hey, it's what we do best.

Dust Mite Exclusive: Nomar Stole The Ball!

2008-01-18T09:07:00.000-08:00

Our crack Boston Dust Mites Investigative Team (actually the friend of a lady from Montana who e-mailed us with the story) has uncovered the truth about the missing 2007 World Series ball.

The close associate of a friend of the lady from Montana overheard a clerk at the Missoula Wal-Mart saying that former Red Sox scumbag Nomar Garciaparra was in possession of the historic sphere.

BDM has further learned that the wife of scumbag former Red Sox player Nomar Garciaparra planted the story about Jonathan Papelbon's dog eating the ball to cover up the REAL TRUTH. No corroboration was attempted on this story. Why should we need it? Everybody knows Nomar is a scumbag.

If you needed any further proof, here is an un-doctored photo of a cryptic message on Garciaparra's left wrist sweatband that clearly shows his boastful guilt.

In the tradition of Boston Dust Mite quality journalism, we will not give up on this story. We pledge to you, our loyal readers, that even if we have to keep making stuff up, we will demonstrate the demonic nature of Nomar and his culpability for all things that went wrong with the Red Sox before 2004!