Thursday, July 26, 2018

Baltimore Meteorologist Defends Starting Game, Says Rain Could Have Been Snow

After the controversial start of Wednesday night's game against the Red Sox, Orioles officials have been criticized for not being more responsible and simply waiting for the deluge that was obviously coming soon after the 7:10 start time. Instead, the game started—lasting just two innings with Boston up, 5-0. After a two-and-a-half-hour rain delay, the game was ultimately postponed. The Orioles are fighting back at their critics by rolling out a local Baltimore meteorologist—who claims that the Red Sox were lucky that they weren't snowed out. The weatherperson (who refused to be identified since she is not authorized to speak publicly about precipitation), said the following: "Yeah, OK, maybe they should have known that the heavy rain was coming in a few minutes—but the Red Sox are lucky they weren't snowed on. According to my satellite imagery, a massive 'nor-easter' was about to hit the ballpark—with up to a foot of snow. I'd like to see how Alex Cora would have liked that!" It's unclear what the snow forecast had to do with the team's decision to start the game, but, it's believed the meteorologist in question 'advises' the Orioles on weather issues.

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Four Hour Games Mean Greater Value For Sox Tix

Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Red Sox front office may be considering a unique justification for subjecting fans to three consecutive 4-hour-plus games (two in a row at Fenway). Reportedly, internal memos point to a marketing/PR strategy to sell the longer games as giving fans greater value. Here's how it goes: with the average online price of a Red Sox ticket at $102.09—a "typical" three-hour game costs $34.03 per hour. But a four-hour contest reduces the per-hour cost to just $25.52—a near $10 per hour savings! Once the concept gets further vetted up the executive food chain on Yawkey Way, there may be a multi-media ad blitz to convey the cost-saving theme.

Monday, April 10, 2017

REPORT: Wally Source Of Red Sox Flu Outbreak?

Wally showing effects of flu bug
Unsubstantiated reports suggest that Wally The Green Monster—the official mascot of the Boston Red Sox–is the initial infected entity of the current flu outbreak on the team. Unconfirmed sources tell Boston Dust Mites that the verdant creature came down with the flu bug on an unauthorized excursion to Sanibel Island during Spring Training. Reportedly, the mascot was seen carousing with other non-humans—with the possibility of the "bug" affixing itself to Wally's fur. Since the monster interacts extensively with team personnel, it's not surprising that the bug could have hopped off and infected others. Wally could not be reached for comment. The flu bug has virtually incapacitated the Red Sox in the opening days of the season—with multiple players (and even a broadcaster) felled by the bug. Stay tuned for updates!

Monday, January 4, 2016

Red Sox Eyeing Baseball At Iconic Fenway Park

In a shocking reversal of policy, the owners of the Boston Red Sox are seriously considering holding baseball games at historic Fenway Park. After successfully holding multiple musical concerts along with football, hockey, soccer (and possibly basketball) contests, the so-called NOG (New Ownership Group) is looking to branch out in a new direction. Part of the reason is to take advantage of the nearly 104-year old facility's unique diamond-shaped grounds to accommodate America's National Pastime. While a team spokesperson would not confirm any hard commitment to baseball, multiple reports have leaked "contingency plans" that could mark the arrival of games as early as this coming April. Stay tuned!