Monday, April 10, 2017

REPORT: Wally Source Of Red Sox Flu Outbreak?

Wally showing effects of flu bug
Unsubstantiated reports suggest that Wally The Green Monster—the official mascot of the Boston Red Sox–is the initial infected entity of the current flu outbreak on the team. Unconfirmed sources tell Boston Dust Mites that the verdant creature came down with the flu bug on an unauthorized excursion to Sanibel Island during Spring Training. Reportedly, the mascot was seen carousing with other non-humans—with the possibility of the "bug" affixing itself to Wally's fur. Since the monster interacts extensively with team personnel, it's not surprising that the bug could have hopped off and infected others. Wally could not be reached for comment. The flu bug has virtually incapacitated the Red Sox in the opening days of the season—with multiple players (and even a broadcaster) felled by the bug. Stay tuned for updates!

Monday, January 4, 2016

Red Sox Eyeing Baseball At Iconic Fenway Park

In a shocking reversal of policy, the owners of the Boston Red Sox are seriously considering holding baseball games at historic Fenway Park. After successfully holding multiple musical concerts along with football, hockey, soccer (and possibly basketball) contests, the so-called NOG (New Ownership Group) is looking to branch out in a new direction. Part of the reason is to take advantage of the nearly 104-year old facility's unique diamond-shaped grounds to accommodate America's National Pastime. While a team spokesperson would not confirm any hard commitment to baseball, multiple reports have leaked "contingency plans" that could mark the arrival of games as early as this coming April. Stay tuned!

Thursday, July 2, 2015

RUMOR: August 'Bernie Sanders Night At Fenway'?

As the Red Sox season goes down the tubes, the NOG (AKA, "New Ownership Group") may be looking to spark renewed interest in going to Fenway—while at the same time playing into their core political beliefs. Completely unconfirmed reports point to an August "Meet Bernie Sanders Night At Fenway". Reportedly, the first 5,000 fans going through the turnstiles will get a Bernie Bobblehead along with an autographed copy of the candidate's "Little Red Book" of quotations. In keeping with the political philosophies of both the owners and Sanders, all concession food will be free—and anyone under 18 who happens to celebrate a birthday that night, will be given a tuition-free college education. It's also rumored that Raul Castro will be flown in to throw out the first pitch.

Monday, June 8, 2015

REPORT: Sox Sign Ferocious Slugger To Big Deal

Numerous un-confirmed reports suggest that the Red Sox have signed Anthony T. Tiger—an OF—to a multi-year pact. Tiger is 6-8, 475 pounds and is said to be a great clubhouse presence. Known for his encouragement of fellow teammates ("You're Grrrrreat!"), Tiger is expected to be assigned to Single A Lowell. Reportedly, Boston was in a "tug-of-war" with Detroit to sign the International Free Agent, but ultimately he had a preference for playing at Fenway. Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski could not be reached for comment. Before hitting the free-agent market, Tiger played for five seasons in the Japanese Professional Baseball League for Hanshin.