Sox Guarantee: "We Won't Lose Today!"

In a bold and unprecedented move, team captain Jason Varitek spoke for the entire slumping Red Sox team by pledging they will not lose today, Tuesday, April 13, 2010. The back-up catcher stated emphatically, "This is an ironclad, dead-lock certainty. I stake my reputation on it".

Surprised beat reporters scurried to their laptops to report the news, in the wake of the team's 5-2 loss at the Twin's Home Opener at new Target Field.

One intrepid scribe, after perusing the schedule, noticed that the Red Sox were off on Tuesday, and pressed Varitek with some withering follow-up questions.

"Jason, does this mean that none of you guys will lose pinochle games in the clubhouse on the off-day, or are you referring to actual MLB contests only?"

"Just MLB games, we will not lose one of those puppies today. Bank it."

"OK, Jason, what about those video games so popular in the clubhouse, you know, like MLB 2010 The Show? Are you guaranteeing none of your teammates will lose those as well?"

"No. Listen to my words. We will not lose an actual baseball game that counts today. Anyway, we don't play MLB 2010 The Show, I don't want to give Mauer another penny."

The Red Sox resume scheduled play on Wednesday afternoon against the Twins.