Carbon Dating Coming To Fenway!

Always looking for new ways to serve their fans (and make even more money) the New Ownership Group has instituted a novel service for those fans still sitting in the 1912-era wooden grandstand seats.

Starting in June, any such fan will be offered a Carbon Dating service, which will provide an exact point in time that the wood in their seat was harvested from a primeval forest. While the service itself is free to season ticket holders, there is a "handling" fee of $700.00 to provide a Certificate of Authenticity (suitable for framing—frame extra).

When asked about the new program, Red Sox CEO Larry Lucchino stated, "Well, you know, we are continually looking for ways to obfuscate the fact that this place is almost 100 years old and about as decrepit as a ballpark can be. We're real good at that, you may have noticed."

If the Carbon Dating Plan is successful, the NOG are thinking about a similar offer for fans sitting in obstructed view seats. These folks will be allowed to purchase a bronze plaque on the specific pole that is ruining their view. The plaque—inscribed with their family name and the Red Sox logo—will cost $1,100.00.

The tentative name for the proposed program is "Where The Hell Is Second Base?" and is targeted for start-up in 2011.