Red Sox May Petition For Rules Changes

In the wake of their inability to find a legitimate major league shortstop, fifth starter or right fielder, the Boston Red Sox may petition Major League Baseball to alter some basic game rules. Completely unreliable sources indicate that Boston will propose a radically new infield alignment—first base, second base and left-side-of-the-infield base (which will be positioned between the current short and third). Moreover, the team is suggesting a "rotation by committee" concept, which would restrict every team to three "starter starters" and two "reliever starters". Finally, "right field" and "center field" would be changed to "uber field", allowing speedy "uber-fielders" like Jacoby Ellsbury to cover both of the old positions. Boston Dust Mites contacted Commissioner Bud Selig for a comment on the proposed rule changes, but his office replied that he was too busy with his "Super Committee", which is considering a plan to force both the Boston and Chicago American League franchises to use grammatically-correct names—to wit, the Boston Red Socks and the Chicago White Socks.